It Pays to be Ignorant show openings

Theme Song ]
It Pays To Be Ignorant
Quizmaster: Tom Howard
Panelists: Harry McNaughton
Lulu McConnell
George Shelton
Announcer: Ken Roberts
Music: Dr. Nat Novic
Harry McNaughton, Lulu McConnell, George Shelton, Tom Howard

Introduction

Harry McNaughton, George Shelton and the "Nail-Up Girl" Lulu McConnell were the panelists, with Tom Howard as the quizmaster in this hilarious spoof of quiz shows. The panelists were billed as the dumbest people on the planet, and proceeded to spend the next half hour proving that fact. When asked questions like "What color is the Little Red Schoolhouse?", they attempt to clarify the query by asking completely irrelevant questions, interrupting each other, talking in circles, and following dead end discussions in a vain attempt to find the answer.

Each show opens with:
theme fanfare
Howard: What is a reigning beauty? (replace by Q/A's below)
Shelton:A girl who's all wet.
Howard: Correct. Pay that man $8.00
theme fanfare
Howard: If four frankfurters cost 10 cents, what is 500 frankfurters?
Shelton:A lot of bologna.
Howard: Correct. Pay that man $9.00 because...
announcer: It Pays To Be Ignorant
theme up full

After Tom is introduced, he introduces Harry as the celebrated author on the panel, mentioning the title of this week's book, like "The Tree of Knowledge or Don't Be Fooled by Pretty Limbs". Harry will then read his latest poem, under duress.

Lulu is introduced next, usually with a barrage of terms like Melon-Collie Baby (she only has one tooth, like a baby, as well as the standard insult), Miss Death Valley of 1944, or "here's a woman who should have been born in the Dark Ages because she looks terrible in the light". Then in a raspy saw-blade voice she tells the trouble her old man got into or some such. When a male member of the audience is introduced, her main interest is his first name and marital status.

George is introduced last, with the implication that he couldn't outthink a comatose flea.

When an audience member mentions the town they're from, George inevitably "used to work in that town!" and he'd tell everyone the dumbest job you can imagine.

Music interludes are generally a classical and contemporary hodgepodge, sometimes straight, sometime very Spike Jonesish, and usually with the mikes open as Tom and the panelist comment and ridicule the music and orchestra. The music leader is a mystery to me. He's always introduced as "Dr. Nat Novic" but Tom thanks "Johnny" after the opening theme. According to Dunning, while the show was on Mutual, music was handled by Tom's son, Tom. Then, on CBS, the orchestra leader was Harry Salter. So I don't really know who did what when.

As intellectual quiz shows grew in popularity, Bob Howell of WELI, New Haven, Conn. put together an outline for a quiz show parody. Ruth Howard created the test script and sold it to the promoter with her father as the moderator. Tom Howard and George Shelton were in vaudeville together, Harry McNaughton from England and American radio comedy, and Lulu McConnell also from vaudeville.

Many shows are undated, and edited (badly) for AFRS broadcast. According to JayHickerson's Ultimate log, about 43 shows are in circulation, and all are dated.

Dated Shows
Date
Guest First teaser question
answer Second teaser question
answer
Tom Howard's introduction to the show

10/04/43
What is a reigning beauty?
A girl who's all wet.
If four frankfurters cost 10 cents, what is 500 frankfurters?
A lot of bologna.
Well, here we are with that daffy quiz program again with a board of
experts who are such boors that they make termites look like amateurs.

8/25/44
How can you tell a Jersey Cow?
By it's license plates.
What kind of a person lives the longest?
A rich relative.
Here we are again with that quiz program about which all of America's greatest educators have said "Phooey!"

9/01/44
What did the little dog say when he sat on the sandpaper?
Ruff, ruff.
Why don't the girls in Sun Valley take sun baths?
Because the mountains peak. Here is that quiz program again which has all the educators hollering "Uncle."

9/08/44
What is an optimist?
A person who does a crossword puzzle in ink.
What do they call the inhabitants of Egypt?
People.
Well, here it is again, that quiz program which is making the monkeys
think they're pretty smart.

9/29/44
Leo Durocher Why do some people eat with their knives?
To sharpen their appetites.
Name 3 famous opera stars.
John Charles Thomas
Well, here we are again with that quiz program that is fast becoming an institution, and that's where it belongs.

10/06/44
Deems Taylor Why do people eat garlic?
So they can find them in the dark.
How do you make anti-freeze?
Hide her pajamas
We have a board of experts who are so dumb they think the Mayor of New
York is a horse.

10/13/44
Roland Young Do married men live longer than single men?
No, it only seems longer.
On which side do you milk a cow?
On the outside.
Well, here we are again with that quiz program that as an educational feature should be in the hall of fame, because it's a bust.

10/27/44
Can a letter box?
No, but a sardine can.
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
At the bottom.
Well, Friday means fish, so here's that fishy quiz program again...

11/03/44
Shirley Booth What is a swimming pool?
A crowd of people with water in it.
What is a slowest thing on Earth?
A nudist trying to get through a barbed wire fence.
Here we are again with the quiz program in which, and I say this with all
modesty, has met with more disdain than any other program on the air.

11/10/44
Adolf Menjou What happens when you eat garlic?
You get lonesome.
What is a miser?
A man who eats mice.
Well, here we are again with that quiz program that's known far and wide
for it's nuisance value.

11/17/44
Harry Hirshfield Why is kissing a girl like opening a bottle of olives?
The first is hard to get, but the rest comes easy.
What is an organ recital?
A bunch of women talking about their operations.
Well, it's here again, that quiz program which is the last word, but we're
not permitted to mention the word.

12/29/44
Man Mountain Dean What is a New Year's Resolution?
Something that goes in one year and out the other.
What is an icicle?
A stiff piece of water.
Well, here it is again, the quiz program which is making the monkeys think
they're pretty smart.

04/06/45
Do you believe in clubs for women?
Yes, but only when kindness fails.
 What is a hat?
Something the average man wears, the beggar passes around, the statesman throws in the ring, and the politician talks through.
Once again we disturb your peace of mind with that 'you can expect anything' quiz program It Pays to be Ignorant.

9/07/45
What is love?
Softening of the hearteries
What is marriage?
A business in which the husband is the silent partner.
Well, here is that rat-race again entitled It Pays To Be Ignorant.

10/05/45
What is a window?
Something you use to look through a brick wall with.
 What letters of the alphabet come after the letter 'A'?
All of them.
Yes, we are here again with that quiz program known as Idiots Delight,
with a board of experts who are so dumb that they think an autobiography
has four wheels.

1/05/48
Why do wedding bells ring?
Because someone pulls the rope.
 What do they call little cats in Ireland?
Kittens.
Today's the day, the place is New York City, the program is It Pays to be
Ignorant. A program that just asks questions and never gets any answers

3/13/49
What is a baby sitter?
A person who receives hush money.
What is the most useless thing in the world?
A glass eye at a keyhole.
Well, here we are again with another session of that slap-happy quiz
program It Pays To Be Ignorant -- a program that promises you nothing and
that's just exactly what you're gonna get.

Theme Song
From 11/17/44 show:
One day as I was walking
Down the avenue,
I met a funny fellow
With a funny point of view.
He didn't have a brain cell
Working in his head,
But he was very happy
And this is what he said:
Chorus: It pays to be ignorant,
To be dumb,
to be dense,
To be ignorant.
It pays to be ignorant,
Just like me.
It's best not to know too much,
Be a dope,
Your I.Q.
Shouldn't show too much.
Your brain shouldn't grow too much,
Wait and see.
I took my girl to dinner,
We had a wonderful feed.
They had to give my girl the check
Because I couldn't read.
Chorus: (So you see)
It pays to be ignorant,
Have no brain,
Be insane,
Just be ignorant.
It pays to be ignorant
Just like me

From various other shows:
When I was just a school kid
I wasn't awfully bright,
I had a pretty teacher who
Made me stay in each night.
Each week I earn six dollars,
My brain is terribly lax.
But when there is no income
There ain't no income tax.

and for the war effort:
I never mention our planes,
Planes or ships or our tanks,
Ol' Adolf never learned a thing
To hurt our fighting yanks.
Chorus: It pays to be ignorant,
Have no brain,
to be inane,
To be ignorant.
It pays to be ignorant,
Just like me.