Head back to the Crazy World of Vic and Sade

1933-09-04 - Vic and Rush Make Taffy - by Paul Rhymer

ANNOUNCER: Again it is our pleasure to present Vic and Sade, your friends from the little house half-way up in the next block. [pause] It is evening as our scene opens now, and here in the living room, under the red glow of the floor-lamp, we can see two gentlemen of our acquaintance. They are Mr. Victor Gook and Mr. Rush Meadows, and Mr. Gook, the elder of the two is saying………

VIC: Now, listen, young man, you an’ me are s’posed to stay home this evening while mom’s over to Mis’ Stembottom’s. Mom told me especially not to let you get into anything or raise cain or tear down the house.

RUSH: Aw, I never tear down the…

VIC: Just a second ‘til I’m through speakin’. Now, you an’ me are goin’ to spend a quiet evenin’ here at home, readin’ an’ chattin’ an’ behavin’ like ladies and gentlemen…

RUSH: [laughs] Aw, how could we behave like ladies when there ain’t any…

VIC: I’m still not through speakin’, son. Kindly remain silent till I’ve finished with my remarks.

RUSH: Yes, gov.

VIC: I suggest you read some good book an’ don’t open your peep. I shall be busy with the evenin’ paper an’ would rather not be disturbed. Is that clear?

RUSH: Yes, gov.

VIC: Have ya got a book?

RUSH: Yeah. Here.

VIC: That’s a thunderin’ big book ya got there. That oughta keep ya busy for the next ten years.

RUSH: Yeah, it’s an awful big book. Hate to have it fall on my head.

VIC: What’s the name of it?

RUSH: The name of it is, ‘A SURVEY OF ASIATIC RELIGIONS from the years 1893 to 1906.’

VIC: Gosh! Ya read much of it yet?

RUSH: No, I ain’t even started it yet. Looks like it oughta be a very interestin’ book, don’t it?

VIC: Yeah. Yeah, that oughta be fine.

RUSH: What’s Asiatic mean, gov?

VIC: Asiatic! Oh, that means Asia. Asia’s a place ‘way off…’cross the ocean.

RUSH: You ever been there?

VIC: Nope.

RUSH: Are ya ever goin’ there?

VIC: I dunno. Maybe.

RUSH: Is Asia as far off as Sweden?

VIC: Further. It’s on the other side of Sweden.

RUSH: What’s on this side of Sweden?

VIC: Oh Russia or some place I guess.

RUSH: You ever been to Russia?

VIC: Nope.

RUSH: Ever goin’ there?

VIC: Maybe. Sometime.

RUSH: What’s on this side of Russia?

VIC: Aw, shucks, Rush, start readin’ your book. I wanta read the paper.

RUSH: Yeah, gov.

VIC: [chuckling] You startin’ that book at the beginning?

RUSH: Sure. That’s where you’re s’posed to begin, ain’t it?

VIC: Yeah. What’s it say there at the beginning?

RUSH: Tells about the life of the author.

VIC: Um’.

RUSH: What’s the author, gov?

VIC: He’s the fella that wrote the book.

RUSH: Oh.

VIC: His name’s on the front, ain’t it?

RUSH: Ether Jerome Kidney?

VIC: Yeah, he’s the chap that wrote the book.

RUSH: His name was Jerome Kidney. He musta believed in writin’ big books, hey, gov?

VIC: Yeah. He wasn’t no piker. Now, you go ahead an’ read about the Asiatic religions, an’ I’ll take a look at the front page here.

RUSH: Yeah.

[pause]

RUSH: Gov, the author was born in 1863.

VIC: Yeah?

RUSH: Yeah. Born in London.

VIC: Huh.

RUSH: His father was a blacksmith.

VIC: Yeah?

RUSH: Grandfather was a soldier.

VIC: Hum.

RUSH: Great grandfather was a horse-trader.

VIC: Hum.

RUSH: Great great grandfather was…

VIC: Aw, shucks, son, read to yourself.

RUSH: Have you read this book, gov?

VIC: No.

RUSH: Well, don’tcha wanta know about…

VIC: No. Read to yourself.

RUSH: O.K.

[pause]

RUSH: Gov.

VIC: Whatcha want?

RUSH: Ether Jerome Kidney could talk French when he was only ten years old.

VIC: Good for him.

RUSH: Can you talk French?

VIC: Nope.

RUSH: Mom can’t either, can she?

VIC: No. Now, don’t ask any more questions.

RUSH: Yeah.

VIC: Just go on an’ read your book.

RUSH: O.K.

[pause]

RUSH: Aw, gov.

VIC: Now what is it for gosh sakes?

RUSH: This book ain’t no good.

VIC: Why ain’t it?

RUSH: Ain’t interestin’.

VIC: Well, get on past the introduction. I bet it’s excitin’ as the dickens further on.

RUSH: I don’t think it is gov. Very rotten book.

VIC: Get another one.

RUSH: Aw, I guess I don’t wanta read.

VIC: Whatcha want to do?

RUSH: I don’t know.

VIC: Well I know what I wanta do. I wanta read the paper, an’ I want you to be quiet.

RUSH: All right, gov.

VIC: ALL RIGHT.

RUSH: Can I bring Mr. Johnson* up from the basement?

VIC: No.

[pause]

VIC: Tell ya what ya can do. Go down in the basement yourself. See how Mr. Johnson’s gettin’ along.

RUSH: Aw, I don’t wanta go down in the basement.

VIC: Well, doggone it, what do ya wanta do?

RUSH: I dunno.

VIC: You sit there an’ figure somethin’ out. An’ don’t bother me any more.

[pause]

VIC: Whatcha doin’ there, for gosh sakes?

RUSH: Scratchin’.

VIC: Ya itch?

RUSH: Sure.

[pause]

RUSH: I wouldn’t be scratchin' if I didn't itch, would I?

VIC: Huh?

RUSH: I wouldn’t be scratchin’ if I didn’t itch, would I?

VIC: I dunno what you’d do. Liable to do most anything.

RUSH: I never scratch unless I itch.

VIC: Um.

RUSH: That’d be a waste of time.

VIC: Um.

RUSH: Wouldn’t it?

VIC: What?

RUSH: That’d be a waste of time.

VIC: What’d be a waste of time?

RUSH: To scratch yourself if ya didn’t itch.

VIC: Oh, thunder, Rush.

RUSH: It would, wouldn’t it?

VIC: [groans]

RUSH: You ever itch, gov?

VIC: Yeah. I itch.

RUSH: Do ya scratch when ya itch?

VIC: Oh, Rush, doggone it, I’ve told ya…

RUSH: I won’t bother ya any more, gov.

VIC: [sighs]

[pause]

RUSH: [timidly] Gov.

VIC: [groans]

RUSH: Can I make some taffy? [speaks quickly to get it all out] If I make taffy I’ll be in the kitchen an’ you won’t be bothered. Can I gov?

VIC: What d’ya wanta do?

RUSH: Make taffy.

VIC: Candy?

RUSH: Yeah - taffy. Molasses candy.

VIC: You don’t know how.

RUSH: Yes, I do. I seen mom do it lotsa times.

VIC: We ain’t got any chocolate.

RUSH: Ya don’t need chocolate to make molasses candy.

VIC: We ain’t got any molasses.

RUSH: We have too…there’s a great big can of it in the pantry. Can I, gov. Please. I’ll make some swell taffy. Surprise mom when she comes home.

VIC: I bet. No, you better not.

RUSH: Aw, please, gov. Wouldn’t you like some candy?

VIC: I bet the candy you’d make’d be mighty fine.

RUSH: It would. You just watch an’ see.

VIC: We-el, a shot of candy wouldn’t go bad. You ever made any.

RUSH: Sure.

VIC: When.

RUSH: Lotsa times.

VIC: Ya didn’t make it all by yourself, did ya?

RUSH: No-o.

VIC: Mom was makin’ it, wasn’t she? You was just helpin’. Ain’t that it?

RUSH: I watched an’ seen how she done it.

VIC: No, I don’t think you better.

RUSH: You can help, gov.

VIC: I never made any candy in my life.

RUSH: Aw, c’mon, gov.

VIC: No.

RUSH: There’s a book in the kitchen tells all about how to make taffy. You can look at that an’ then you’ll know I’m doin’ it right.

VIC: No.

RUSH: Aw, c’mon. There ain’t any danger of makin’ mistakes when ya got the book.

[pause]

RUSH: C’mon, gov.

VIC: [sighs] Oh, well, it sure don’t look like I’m gonna get to read.

RUSH: Will ya come an’ make taffy?

VIC: [sighs] Where’s the book?

RUSH: [excited] Out in the kitchen. C’mon.

VIC: [sighs] All right.

RUSH: [as they go] Mom likes taffy. She’ll be real glad when she gets home.

VIC: [aff.] Uh-huh. Look where you’re goin’ there, son. Don’t ram your head into the buffet.

RUSH: [laughing] You figure I’m gettin’ like Mr. Johnson, huh, gov…bumpin’ my head into things?

VIC: Can ya reach the light?

RUSH: Yeah. [click] There’s the book right there, gov.

VIC: This one?

RUSH: Uh-huh. Give ‘er here. I’ll show you where it tells about the taffy. [going through the book] It tells how to make lotsa things in this book. See here - tells how to make Tomato Surprise. An’ Giblet Gravy. An’ Fillet of Flounder au gratin. An’ Oyster Croquettes. An’…

VIC: Get on to the taffy.

RUSH: Here it is; two cups of molasses…the molasses is in the pantry, I’ll go get…

VIC: Wait a minute. Let’s see what else it takes. Maybe there’s somethin’ we ain’t got.

RUSH: Well…one cup granulated sugar.

VIC: We ain’t got any granulated sugar.

RUSH: Yes, we have.

VIC: Granulated sugar?

RUSH: Sure. That’s the kind you put in your coffee.

VIC: Is it?

RUSH: Yeah. Well - one cup granulated sugar…three-fourths cup water…one-eighth teaspoon soda…four tablespoons butter…one-half teaspoon vanilla.

VIC: That all?

RUSH: That’s all it takes.

VIC: Don’t it say nothin’ about chocolate?

RUSH: No.

VIC: That’s funny. Musta left it out about the chocolate.

RUSH: No they didn’t. Ya don’t put chocolate in taffy.

VIC: Aw, sure they do. They put chocolate in all kinds of candy.

RUSH: Mom don’t put any chocolate in when she makes taffy.

VIC: I betcha twenty-five cents she does.

RUSH: I never seen her.

VIC: She prob’ly did it when you wasn’t lookin’. I never heard of candy without chocolate in it.

RUSH: They don’t put chocolate in gum-drops.

VIC: Aw, they do too.

RUSH: They don’t put it in Christmas candy.

VIC: Aw, Rush, don’t be so dumb. They do too. There never was any candy without chocolate in it.

RUSH: I never tasted it in gum-drops.

VIC: Maybe not. Ya don’t taste the yeast in dough-nuts do ya?

RUSH: No.

VIC: Well - ya don’t taste the chocolate in gum-drops either.

RUSH: Gosh, I think if ya was s’posed to put chocolate in taffy, it’d say so here in the book.

VIC: Oh, you can’t depend on them books. Well, c’mon. Get the molasses. Put two cups of it in a pan.

RUSH: O.K. [going]

VIC: An’ get a lotta pans too, an’ bring ‘em out.

RUSH: What for?

VIC: Put all them different things in. We’ll put everything in a separate pan an’ then we won’t get mixed up. Bring the chocolate too. An’ all that junk.

RUSH: O.K., gov. You light the gas.

VIC: Never mind about me. I’ll just take charge of this enterprise an’ show you a few things about makin’ candy. Which jet does mom generally use on this stove?

RUSH: Any of ‘em is all right.

VIC: [aff.] Uh-huh.

RUSH: [coming up] Here’s the pans, gov.

VIC: Just put ‘em on the table. Now I’ll tell ya what ya do; in each of them pans put the different ingredients.

RUSH: The different what?

VIC: The different things it says in the book. In one pan put the…what was that?…three-fourths cup water an’ in another put one-eighth teaspoon soda…an’ so on. Understand?

RUSH: Mom don’t use all these pans when she makes taffy.

VIC: I s’pose not. However, you just do as you’re told, an’ you’ll be rewarded with some delicious candy.

RUSH: Yeah, gov. Hey, ya gonna use the oven to make the candy in?

VIC: Sure.

RUSH: That’s where ya bake things.

VIC: Sure. Think I don’t know that?

RUSH: Ya gonna bake the taffy?

VIC: Will you be still an’ do as you’re told?

RUSH: Yes, gov, but…

VIC: Kindly be silent an’ obey orders.

RUSH: Yes, gov.

VIC: Where’s the salt?

RUSH: Ya don’t use salt when ya…

VIC: What did I tell you, Rush?

RUSH: Salt’s on top of the stove.

VIC: Ah, yes. Here - get another pan out an’ put some salt in it.

RUSH: I got seven pans here already.

VIC: Get another.

RUSH: Ain’t hardly room for eight pans on the kitchen table.

VIC: Make room.

RUSH: Shucks, this pan that’s got the one-eighth teaspoon soda in it looks awful empty. [laughs]

VIC: That’s all right. You’ll laugh on the other side of your mouth when you get a taste of the taffy.

RUSH: How much chocolate shall I put in the pan?

VIC: Level tablespoonful. [confidently]

RUSH: It’s a chunk of chocolate we got.

VIC: Break off a piece ‘bout the size of a level tablespoonful.

RUSH: O.K., gov. Shall I put that in a separate pan too?

VIC: Yeah.

RUSH: [laughing] Gosh, if you think of any more things to put in the taffy we’ll have to use the garbage bucket for some of ‘em.

VIC: If necessary we will, I want this taffy to turn out right. You’ll notice when I do somethin’ it’s done up brown. No half-measures for this chicken.

RUSH: How much salt ya want, gov?

VIC: Level tablespoonful.

RUSH: Ya want that in a separate pan too?

VIC: Sure.

RUSH: We ain’t got any more big pans.

VIC: Use a little pan then.

RUSH: Pie-pan be all right?

VIC: Is that all we got?

RUSH: Fryin’ pan.

VIC: Aw, shucks. Ya get a real artist out in the kitchen for once an’ then cramp his style with fryin’ pans.

RUSH: Which one shall I put the salt in…pie pan or fryin’ pan?

VIC: Fryin’ pan. Level table-spoonful.

RUSH: O.K., gov.

VIC: Did ya put that one-eighth teaspoon soda in the pan all right?

RUSH: Yeah.

VIC: How ya know ya got exactly one-eighth. Ya wanta be darn good an’ sure about them things. Get that wrong an’ you’re liable to spoil the whole batch of candy.

RUSH: I figured it out all right.

VIC: How’d ya do it?

RUSH: I stuck the spoon in the soda box eight times an’ put all that soda in the pan.

VIC: Ya did! That don’t make…

RUSH: Wait, I ain’t through tellin’ ya what I done yet.

VIC: What’d ya do?

RUSH: Then I stuck the spoon in the pan an’ got it full of soda. Then I took the soda that was in the pan and put it all back in the box. Then I took the spoon with the soda in it an’ put that in the pan.

VIC: Say!

RUSH: Figured that out pretty slick, didn’t I?

VIC: Sure ya did. I couldn’ta done it any more accurate myself.

RUSH: ‘Bout ready to make the taffy, gov?

VIC: Yeah. Start handin’ me the pans.

RUSH: Whatcha gonna do with ‘em?

VIC: Put ‘em in the oven.

RUSH: All these eight pans?

VIC: Sure. Thought you knew so much about makin’ taffy.

RUSH: Ain’t ya gonna mix the things up together?

VIC: Not yet. Gonna heat ‘em all separate.

RUSH: I never heard of…

VIC: I don’t s’pose ya did. That’s because ya never been around where people made a fine art outta cookin’. C’mon, start handin’ me them pans so I can put ‘em in the oven.

RUSH: I don’t think the oven will hold all them pans, gov.

VIC: We’ll see. Hand ‘em over.

RUSH: Here’s the pan with the sugar in it.

VIC: Good.

RUSH: Here’s the pan with the chocolate.

VIC: Fine.

RUSH: Here’s the butter.

VIC: O.K.

RUSH: Here’s the molasses an’ water.

VIC: Uh-huh. Gonna be kind of a tight squeeze in this oven…Well, bring ‘em on.

RUSH: Here’s the soda an’ the vanilla an’ the salt.

VIC: Right. Guess I’ll hafta put the pan with the soda on it up above the one with the butter in. There we are.

RUSH: Pretty soon we’ll have taffy, huh, gov?

VIC: Pretty soon now.

RUSH: I hope it’ll be good.

VIC: ‘Course it’ll be good. Tell ya what ya do, son. Go in an’ get my newspaper. Might as well be readin’ while I’m waitin’.

RUSH: [going] All right gov.

VIC: [calling after him] …an’ get a fruit jar too. We’ll need somethin’ to put the taffy in.

ANNOUNCER: It is regrettable that we aren’t able to offer every one of you a piece of Vic’s delicious taffy. We’d certainly like to see it when he’s through. [pause] Be sure to tune in regularly for Vic, Sade, and young Rush. They appreciate your interest, and would like to think that you are sitting in the family circle with them each time they’re on the air.

*Rush’s dog, Mr. Albert R Johnson.