Head back to the Crazy World of Vic and Sade

Mr. Dempsey & Mr. Tunney Meet in a Cigar Store (1932)

[Rush wails from his bedroom]

SADE: [Waking up] Vic! Vic! [Shakes him]

VIC: [Wakes up] What is it, Sade!

SADE: I heard something.

VIC: What?

SADE: I don't know what. A noise.

VIC: Aw, you been dreamin' prob'ly. G'wan back to sleep.

SADE: Oh, I never can go back to sleep once I wake up in the middle of the night.

VIC: Well, I can.

SADE: I know I heard something.

VIC: Your imagination. Wonder what time it is.

SADE: I don't know.

[Clock strikes once]

VIC: One o'clock.

SADE: Or half-past something. I wish I knew.

VIC: Why?

SADE: Well, if it's only one o'clock I know I can go back to sleep because it's so early. But if it's later I'll get the idea there's no use trying to go back to sleep it's so late and...

VIC: Aw, I never heard such nonsense. Now if you'll excuse me I think I'll just sneak on back to dreamland. I...

SADE: Please see what time it is first, won't you, Vic?

VIC: Aw, why don't ya just figure it's one o'clock and go back to sleep? Gosh, I...

SADE: Oh, lean on your elbow and look at your wrist watch on the little table.

VIC: Aw, thunder... [Raises himself]... it's... it's three-thirty.

SADE: Oh, now I know I'll never go back to sleep. Wish you hadn't told me what time it was.

VIC: Well, you asked. Sade, I'd like to talk all this over with you a little later... say about daylight. Right now I'm bein' paged in the land of dreams and... [Rush wails] Now what?

SADE: That's what I heard. It's Rush.

VIC: Yellin' in his sleep. Maybe we oughta gag him.

SADE: Maybe he's sick.

VIC: Aw, if he was we'd know it quick enough.

SADE: Better go see, Vic.

VIC: Aw, Sade... what's the sense in traipsin' around in the middle of the night. For Gosh sakes, I...

[Rush again]

SADE: Go see, Vic.

VIC: [Getting up and out] Oh, all right. Golly, I wonder if there's any other poor dub in the world got a family like mine. [Rush again] [Calling to Rush] S'matter, Son?

SADE: [Calling after him] If he's just talking in his sleep, Vic, don't wake him up.

VIC: [Softly] Oh, Rush Son.... awake?

RUSH: Yeah, Gov.

VIC: What's the matter?

RUSH: I got a stomach ache.

VIC: Stomach ache, huh?

RUSH: Yeah... hurts awful.

VIC: Wanta go to the...

RUSH: No. [Moans a little]

VIC: Well, why don't you try to go to sleep, Rush?

RUSH: I don't want to go to sleep.

VIC: Why not?

RUSH: My sick stomach makes me have awful bad dreams. Scary ones. Gee, Gov, I was dreamin' that there was a great big snake on my neck and some lions with false teeth in my lap and...

SADE: [Calling] What is it, Vic?

VIC: Stomach ache.

[Calls]

RUSH: Don't tell Mom I got a stomach ache, Gov.

VIC: Why not?

RUSH: 'Cause I ate a whole lot of strawberries, and she said I'd get a stomach ache, and I said I wouldn't, and...

SADE: Want me? [Calls]

VIC: No, Sade. We'll be all right. [To Rush] I won't tell her, Son. You better try goin' back to sleep, boy. You'll be right as a rivet by mornin'.

RUSH: I'm afraid to go back to sleep, Gov.

VIC: 'Fraid of bad dreams, huh?

RUSH: Yeah. [Moans a little] Gee, my stomach hurts, Gov. Gov.

VIC: Yeah, Son.

RUSH: Can I come in bed with you'n Mom?

VIC: What for?

RUSH: I think I could go to sleep and not dream bad dreams if I was sleepin' with you'n Mom.

VIC: Three in a bed's altogether too many, Rush. Besides you kick.

RUSH: I won't kick, Gov. I'll be still as anything. C'mon, let me. My stomach hurts so.

VIC: Well... don't want you in here suffering alone, Rush. We'll see what Mom says.

RUSH: I wish you would, Gov. I won't even stir if you let me.

VIC: [Calls] Sade, Rush wants to come in our bed.

SADE: In our bed? Why?

VIC: Oh, he isn't feeling so hot. Has bad dreams. Wants company.

SADE: Oh, lands. Well, bring him.

VIC: C'mon, Rush... get on my back.

RUSH: Gee, you're a sport, Gov.

VIC: [As they go] You won't think I'm such a sport if you go to kickin' me in bed. I'll break you in little pieces.

SADE: What's the matter, Rush?

RUSH: I ain't feelin' very well, Mom. My... my elbow...

SADE: Elbow nothing! That box of strawberries... Well, guess there's no use rubbing it in about that box of strawberries. If you're sick you've learned your lesson.

VIC: Move over, Sade. I'll dump this bag of uselessness in the middle.

SADE: Now you gotta lie quiet, Rush. Gov and Mom've got to go to sleep.

RUSH: I will, Mom.

SADE: Ooh, your feet are cold, Rush. Get 'em over.

RUSH: Wanta get 'em warm, Mom.

SADE: Well, wait till Gov comes back and use his feet for a stove. [Calling] Oh, Vic, while you're in the bathroom, get those pills...

RUSH: Aw, Mom.

SADE: Get those pills on the top shelf and a glass of water. D'ya hear, Vic?

VIC: [From bathroom] Yeah. The pink pills?

SADE: Yes. Two.

VIC: O.K.

RUSH: Aw, Mom I don't want no pills. It's my elbow...

SADE: Elbow nothing. Listen child, you just be quiet about that sick elbow and I'll not say a single word about that box of strawberries.

RUSH: Gosh, Mom, my stomach. [Moans]

SADE: Well, as soon as you've taken your pills you go to sleep.

[Vic comes in]

VIC: Here y'are, Son. Two snappy delicious pink pills. Just the thing for the stomach ache.

RUSH: Aw, I...

SADE: Take 'em, Rush, or back to your own bed you go. Take 'em.

VIC: And don't spill any water on my side of the bed.

RUSH: Aw... [Takes pills] Nasty! Gimme the water.

VIC: Here it is. Be careful now. [Rush drinks] Gimme back the glass.

SADE: You'll feel lots better in the morning.

RUSH: Gee, them pills are awful. Rather have the stomach ache a darn sight.

VIC: Now mooch over. There's another party got a reservation in this bed. And that party's me.

RUSH: Can you move over a little, Mom?

SADE: No, I can't.

VIC: [Crawling in] Rush, get your feet over.

RUSH: Mom, get your feet over.

VIC: Well, here we are. And I gotta get some sleep. Of course it's a great pleasure to be in bed with so many dear old friends, but I'm in favor of cutting out jolly conversation and settlin' down to some good old shut-eye.

SADE: Me too. Rush, stop wiggling.

RUSH: [Moans a little] My stomach hurts.

VIC: Rush, you said you'd be quiet if we let you come in bed with us.

SADE: He can't help it if he's suffering, can he?

VIC: No, I s'pose not. Try to lie still, Rush, will ya?

RUSH: Yeah, Gov. I'm going right to sleep. [Little pause]

VIC: [Grunts suddenly] Aw, I knew you'd begin to kick. Listen, I'm gonna go sleep in the little bed.

RUSH: It's too short for you, Gov. Your feet'll stick out the end.

VIC: Anything's better'n this.

RUSH: Aw, don't go, Gov.

VIC: But I got to get some sleep, Rush. Work in the morning.

SADE: That's right, Rush. You better let Gov go sleep in your bed.

RUSH: Gov, if you'd tell me a little story - just a little one - I'd go to sleep and never budge till tomorrow.

VIC: I should be telling stories at pretty near four o'clock in the morning.

RUSH: Please, Gov.

SADE: Go on, Vic. Maybe it would put me to sleep too.

VIC: Well, what'll I tell about?

RUSH: Tell about one of your funny dreams.

VIC: I'd like to be having a funny dream... 'stead of entertainin' my family in the middle of the night.

SADE: Go on, Vic...

VIC: Well. Lemme see. Well, the other night I was dreamin' that I was going to a party and I wore Mis' Fisher's night-shirt only it had wheels on it, and I took a bobsled and hitched it onto Mr. Bucksaddle and we got to going so fast Mr. Bucksaddle couldn't stop and...

RUSH: You oughta of put a brake on the bobsled, Gov.

SADE: Or one on Mr. Bucksaddle.

VIC: Listen, who's telling about this dream? You two go to sleep instead of buttin' in? Well, when we got to the party I found out the party wasn't a party at all but a funeral. Well sir, they wanted to have the funeral but they didn't have any corpse handy so I volunteered.

RUSH: Why didn't you use Mr. Bucksaddle? He'd make a nice corpse.

SADE: [Giggling] Aw, Rush.

VIC: Listen, I quit. I'm going to sleep.

SADE: Go on with the story, Vic. We'll be still.

RUSH: Yeah, Gov. While you were telling about your dream I forgot all about my stomach. Didn't hurt a bit. Hurts now, though. [Moans a little]

VIC: Nope. I'm through story-tellin'. I'm going to sleep. Let Mom tell you a story.

RUSH: Will ya, Mom?

SADE: Will you promise to go to sleep if I do?

RUSH: Yes.

SADE: All right, then. But first, get your foot away.

VIC: Has he got a foot stabbin' you too? Rush, get your feet in the middle of the bed.

RUSH: All right, Gov. Tell me the story, Mom.

SADE: Well, one time there were three bears: a big bear, a middle-sized bear, and...

RUSH: I know that story.

SADE: Well, let's see. How's this. Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess and she...

RUSH: Is this the one where she went to sleep and didn't wake up for fifty years?

SADE: Yes. Gee you've heard all my stories.

VIC: I wish to thunder I was a beautiful princess and could go to sleep for fifty years. Let's cut out the story-tellin' and be quiet. You can go to sleep if you try, Rush.

RUSH: No, I can't.

SADE: Try, Rush.

RUSH: I did try. Hey, I bet I know how I could go to sleep.

VIC: How!... for goodness sake!

RUSH: Well, both of you tell a story at the same time. Gov, you can be somebody, and Mom, you can be somebody. And talk back and forth.

VIC: No soap, Son. Mom and me ain't puttin' on no three-act plays at this time of night.

RUSH: Aw, please. I know who you could be.

SADE: Who, Rush?

RUSH: Well, Mom, you could be Jack Dempsey.

SADE: Jack Dempsey, huh?

RUSH: Yes. And Gov can be Gene Tunney.

VIC: Want us to put on a six-round battle right here in bed, huh? Nonsense. Go to sleep and no more foolishness.

RUSH: Aw, please. Listen... Mom, you're Jack Dempsey, see. And you meet Gene Tunney - that's Gov - in a cigar store. And he accidentally steps on your foot, and...

VIC: Have a heart, Son. I got to go to work in the morning.

SADE: Let's do it, Vic. We might as well do that as lie here bawling each other out. C'mon. I'm Jack Dempsey and you're Gene Tunney.

RUSH: And ya just met in a cigar store and Gene Tunney accidently steps on Jack Dempsey's foot.

VIC: Aw, criminy. Who'm I?

SADE: You're Gene Tunney. And you accidentally step on my foot. We're in a cigar store. [Chuckles]

VIC: All right. 'Morning, Mr. Dempsey.

SADE: Good morning, Mr. Tunney. Get off my foot. [Giggles]

[Rush laughs]

VIC: I ain't on your foot, Mr. Dempsey.

SADE: You are too. Look, Mr. Tunney.

VIC: Well, gosh, Mr. Dempsey, I'm awful sorry. I...

RUSH: Aw, Gov. Gene Tunney's an awful tough fella. He wouldn't apologize for stepping on somebody's foot.

VIC: Well, what if I am on your foot, Dempsey. Don't ya like it?

SADE: No, I don't like it. I think I'll give you a hit in the face.

RUSH: Aw, Mom, Jack Dempsey wouldn't say that. He'd say 'a sock on the beazer'.

SADE: No, I don't like it. I think I'll give you a sock on the beazer.

VIC: Oh, yeah. Well, looka here, Dempsey, I got half a notion to lay one up side your jaw.

SADE: You just try it, Gene Tunney, and I'll give you a biff on the snoot.

RUSH: [Laughs] That's it, Mom, That's it!

VIC: Now, is this putting you to sleep or isn't it?

RUSH: Sure, sure. I'm almost asleep.

VIC: You were never wider awake in your life. I'm quittin' this stuff. You'll just have to round yourself up another Gene Tunney.

SADE: You're not going to sleep, Rush.

RUSH: Aw, please be Jack Dempsey and Gene Tunney a little while longer. I'll go to sleep in no time.

VIC: Listen, Rush, if you'll promise not to open your trap till the clock strikes four... not say a single word... we'll go on with this. Do you promise?

RUSH: Yes, Gov.

VIC: All right, then... not another word. Aw... Mr. Dempsey.

SADE: Yes, Mr. Tunney.

VIC: I think I'll smash you in the jaw.

SADE: You just try it and see what you get, Mr. Tunney.

VIC: Aw, what'll I get, ya flat-head.

SADE: You'll get a smack in the coco. that's what you'll get.

VIC: [Lowering his voice somnolently] Say, Mr. Dempsey.

SADE: I don't want none of your lip, Mr. Tunney.

VIC: Mr. Dempsey, I was down by the stock-yards the other day and I saw some sheep.

SADE: Is that so, Mr. Tunney?

VIC: Yes, Mr. Dempsey. They were coming out of a barn one at a time. First I saw one sheep.

SADE: [Giggling] Uh-huh, Mr. Tunney. And then I bet you saw two sheep.

VIC: Uh-huh. And three sheep.

[Softly and slowly]

SADE: And four sheep.

VIC: And five sheep.

SADE: And six sheep.

VIC: And seven sheep.

SADE: And eight sheep.

VIC: And nine sheep.

SADE: And ten sheep.

VIC: And eleven... [Rush sighs sleepily] And eleven sheep.

SADE: And twelve sheep.

VIC: And thirteen sheep.

SADE: And fourteen sheep.

VIC: And fifteen... sh. [Giggles]

SADE: [Whispering] Is he asleep?

VIC: Dead to the world.

SADE: Goodnight, Mr. Tunney.

VIC: Night, Mr. Dempsey.

[Clock strikes four times]