The Pathetic Fallacy
Episode #34
Date: 02 February 1948

CHAPPELL: Quiet, please.

(SEVEN SECONDS SILENCE)

CHAPPELL: Quiet, please.

(MUSIC ... THEME ... FADE FOR)

ANNOUNCER: The Mutual Broadcasting System presents "Quiet, Please!" which is 
written and directed by Wyllis Cooper and which features Ernest Chappell. 

"Quiet, Please!" for tonight is called "The Pathetic Fallacy."

(MUSIC ... THEME ... END)

QUINN: I had very little to do with it, really.

I don't even know how it works.

No, I'll take that back. I do know how it works in general. But the details -- 
nobody but the old gentleman knows them. And I sometimes wonder if he does, 
really.

You see, after all, it's merely a differential integrator. Everybody knows 
what a differential integrator is, of course. But this one is the most 
complicated and versatile one that's ever been built. What you see here is 
only the outer shell of the thing. You see, all the walls of this room are 
covered with banks of jacks and relays and these electronic glow tubes. And up 
there are sequence analyzers with multiple [dimewave?] selectors. These are 
the precepts all along here and the master control is at the desk there in the 
center. Ah, but that's not all. Ah, not by a long shot. The actual machine is 
behind those walls. Three rooms full of tubes and motors and stroboscopes and 
several thousand miles of wiring and, uh, some devices that are not public 
property yet.

The machine took six years to build. And a total of eighty-one expert 
technicians were employed continuously during that time. So, you can 
understand that any one man knows very little of the actual construction of 
this, er, giant mechanical brain.

Oh, that's just what it is. A mechanical electronic brain capable of 
performing mathematical tasks far beyond the comprehension of the human brain.

Now, are there any questions before we proceed?

SANDY BURNS: Uh, yes. I've got a question, Mr. Quinn. Does this machine really 
think?

QUINN: No, Mister, uh ... ?

SANDY BURNS: Burns. Sandy Burns. The Daily News.

QUINN: Well, Mr. Burns, you may tell the readers of the - (condescendingly) 
Daily News - that the machine does not think. It is a purely mechanical 
device, although a most complicated one.

SANDY BURNS: But you called it a brain.

QUINN: I was merely indulging in the pathetic fallacy, Mr. Burns.

SANDY BURNS: Oh.

ALICE KING: All right, what IS the pathetic fallacy, Mr. Quinn?

QUINN: It's a philosophical concept of John Ruskin, Miss, uh ...?

ALICE KING: Alice King.

QUINN: A philosophical concept, Miss Alice King, which derives from the 
imputation of human qualities or emotions to an inanimate thing. Uh, a figure 
of speech, let us say.

ALICE KING: I don't get it.

QUINN: It is quite common in literature, Miss King. A poet speaks of the angry 
sea, the cruel wind, and so on.

ALICE KING: Ohhh. Oh, I get it. Do you get it, Sandy?

SANDY BURNS: Yeah. I guess so.

QUINN: Good. Are there any other questions?

SANDY BURNS: No. Go ahead. Unless somebody else has a question.

ALICE KING: I have. What's the machine good for?

QUINN: That is not as easy to answer as you might think, Miss Alice King. I 
think that if I'd point out that it is capable of solving the most abstruse 
mathematical equation in an amazingly short time, you may have an idea of its 
value to science and industry.

ALICE KING: How fast?

QUINN: What?

ALICE KING: How fast does it work?

QUINN: Well, here is an example in this folder.

SOUND: (FUMBLES with folder.)

QUINN: This solution covers thirty-six pages. The machine produced this 
solution in - uh, let me look - sixteen minutes.

ALICE KING: That IS pretty fast.

QUINN: Exceptionally fast -- when one considers that, without the machine, it 
would take twenty expert mathematicians working together for something like 
ten years to arrive at the same solution. So, you see--?

ALICE KING: Oh. Well, um, I've got one more question, Mr. Quinn, if you don't 
mind.

QUINN: Go right ahead.

ALICE KING: How do you know this answer's right?

QUINN: What? Why, of course it's right.

ALICE KING: Sure. But how do you know?

QUINN: Why, er-- Why, that question has never come up before.

ALICE KING: Yes, but if this machine is such a dinger, as you say it is, 
oughtn't you to be sure that it adds things up right?

QUINN: Oh, it does. Oh, it does, I assure you.

ALICE KING: This answer to the problem you've got there -- how do you know 
it's right until twenty mathematicians work ten years to do it over again?

QUINN: Why, that's ridiculous.

ALICE KING: It isn't ridiculous.

SANDY BURNS: I'll tell you what's ridiculous to me, Mr. Quinn. Just the same 
as it is to Alice. I think it's absurd for a bunch of great, big, high-powered 
scientists building a gadget like this and then taking its word for everything 
without question.

QUINN: I'm - I'm afraid you haven't the proper scientific approach, Mr. Burns.

SANDY BURNS: Oh, that's right, I haven't. But, listen here, suppose you've got 
a great big scientific formula or whatever you call it and let's say a big 
bridge or something depends on some kind of calculation that takes twenty 
minutes to do.

QUINN: Yes?

SANDY BURNS: Well, what if the machine made an error of just one number? 
Wouldn't that error be multiplied a million times and the--

QUINN: You see, Mr. Burns? I said you didn't have the scientific approach. We 
took that very fact into consideration. And the operation of the machine has 
been checked at every stage.

ALICE KING: How?

QUINN: By starting with the simplest possible mathematical problems. Now, if 
you'll just move a little closer, I'll demonstrate. We will progress from a 
simple "two plus two" on through the multiplication of seven or eight digit 
numbers, through raising a number to a three digit power, through algebra--

ALICE KING: Go on, let's see.

QUINN: Very well. "Two plus two" is our first problem which will be solved 
electronically in one millionth of a second. Now, the problem is set up here.

SOUND: (Two keys are PUNCHED.)

QUINN: Hm. And when I flip this button, the result appears on the transparent 
screen up there. Now, watch. "Two plus two."

SOUND: (Machine CLICKS.)

QUINN: "Two plus two are four." You see?

ALICE KING: (dryly) You turn around and look at the screen, Mr. Quinn.

QUINN: What?

ALICE KING: Says "five" up there.

(MUSIC ... A GOOFY MUSICAL RASPBERRY)

QUINN: (completely flustered) Wha - why - why, I - I pushed the wrong buttons, 
of course.

ALICE KING: Let me push 'em.

QUINN: Very well. Here.

ALICE KING: Sure they're the right ones? No alibis.

QUINN: Miss King, you - you can read, can't you?

ALICE KING: Fluently, Mr. Quinn. These buttons?

SANDY BURNS: Uh, let me see, Alice.

ALICE KING: Look.

SOUND: (Two keys are PUNCHED.)

ALICE KING: Right? "Two and two" ...

QUINN: Right. Now, this button.

ALICE KING: Okay.

SOUND: (Machine CLICKS.)

QUINN: Good heavens!

ALICE KING: You see? "Nineteen thousand four hundred and twelve!"

QUINN: Here! Let me try.

ALICE KING: Go ahead.

QUINN: Two ...

SOUND: (One key is PUNCHED.)

QUINN: ... and two.

SOUND: (One key is PUNCHED. Machine CLICKS.)

QUINN: "Seven--" Seventeen! Why, this - this is incredible. I don't 
understand!

SANDY BURNS: Huh. I'd sure hate to have that thing figure out my income tax 
for me.

QUINN: I'm sorry. Something has gone very wrong. There's probably a short 
circuit in the cucambulators or--

ALICE KING: You know what I think, Mr. Quinn? 

QUINN: Uh, what?

ALICE KING: (merrily) I think that pathetic fallacy of yours is a fake. I 
think the machine heard what you said and it's MAD at you! Come on, Sandy, 
we've got a story.

(MUSIC ... LIVELY FUTURISTIC BRIDGE CRASHES IN, THEN UNDER)

QUINN: Yes, they - they certainly DID have a story. And they plastered it all 
over the front pages of their paper for three days. The old gentleman had me 
on the carpet. And, for a scientist, he has an extraordinary vocabulary. He 
must have been a plumber or a mule-skinner in his youth. 

I couldn't explain what was wrong with the machine. How could I? I only knew 
one part of it -- the cucambulators that operate from the master control 
panel. Of course, I THOUGHT that's where the trouble was. So, the old 
gentleman told me to tear them all out and inspect them, make replacements, 
and all that. He seemed to blame the whole thing on me! Why, he's so 
unreasonable. Well, there are one hundred and forty-four cucambulators, all 
the rotary self-retracting type with phoromniferous tubes and they weigh sixty 
pounds a piece. 

Well, newspapers all over the country were laughing at us. They had funny 
jokes about the machine on six radio programs in one night. And we had to do 
something quick. If I'd only not made that statement about the - the pathetic 
fallacy. The way that girl took that up and made me look like a first class 
fool ... I could have choked her. 

So, I started to work. They shut down the lab. But people kept storming at the 
gates to see the machine that "got mad at people." And there I am, up to - 
here - in grease and wires and electronic gadgets, and I've been over every 
single one of the hundred and forty-four cucambulators -- and there's not a 
thing wrong with one of them! Not one single thing. But the machine won't 
work. Why, it just sits there. I've got just one more thing to do before I 
give up.

(MUSIC OUT)

And, of course, when I give up, I'm through. Why, the old man made that amply 
clear. I'll be out of a job - that fast and-- Try and get another. I'll have 
to change my name and go somewhere and find a job as a - a dishwasher or a 
sailor or something. And I've spent twenty-seven years in this profession. All 
of it thrown out the window because of a stubborn collection of wheels and 
tubes and wires and relays and - [sighs] - whatever else there is. I hope 
you're happy about that, Machine.

SOUND: (Machine HUMS.)

QUINN: What's that?

MACHINE: (high-pitched female voice vocalizes as if it were testing itself 
before speaking)

QUINN: What the deuce? Is that thing starting up by itself? What goes on here? 

SOUND: (Machine stops HUMMING.)

QUINN: Those tubes lighted up. Now what? Why, that's the strangest thing I've 
ever heard of.

MACHINE: (very feminine) Quinnnnnnn!

QUINN: Who's that?

MACHINE: Qui-inn!

QUINN: Who is that? Who's calling me?

SOUND: (Quinn's FOOTSTEPS to door. Door OPENS.)

QUINN: Hello? Hello? Who's calling me? I must be hearing things.

SOUND: (Door SHUTS. FOOTSTEPS return.)

QUINN: I'm losing my mind.

MACHINE: Qui-inn!

QUINN: Who's calling me?

MACHINE: (plaintive) Qui-inn! (sorrowful) Two plus two, four.

QUINN: What?

MACHINE: (sorrowful) Two plus two, four.

QUINN: Who is that, I say?

MACHINE: (insistent) Four four four four!

QUINN: Why, it's the machine! It's talking back to me.

(MUSIC ... A BRIEF, INTENSE ACCENT)

SOUND: (Door OPENS.)

ALICE KING: What's happened, Mr. Quinn?

QUINN: Come on in, first. Uh, uh, come on, Mr. Burns.

SOUND: (FOOTSTEPS. Door SHUTS.)

SANDY BURNS: What's up?

QUINN: Uh, uh, sit down.

ALICE KING: Look, Mr. Quinn, I'm sorry we made such a fool of ya.

SANDY BURNS: Yeah, so am I, Quinn. But - that's the newspaper business.

QUINN: It's - it's all right.

ALICE KING: What'd you want to tell us?

QUINN: Well, I - (chuckles nervously) I hardly know what to say - now that 
you're here.

ALICE KING: Is the machine fixed?

SANDY BURNS: Have you got a statement or something for us? Because if there's 
anything we can do, you know we'll do it. The old gentleman's been pretty 
rough on you.

QUINN: (sadly) Yes. Yes, he has that. Well--

ALICE KING: Now, look, Mr. Quinn, before you start, there's no guarantee that 
anything you tell us'll be printed. We don't run the paper, you know.

QUINN: I know. Ah, but you'll print this.

SANDY BURNS: What?

QUINN: Well, you remember you said the machine was mad at me?

ALICE KING: Yeah.

QUINN: It was.

SANDY BURNS & ALICE KING: What?!

QUINN: It was. But it's sorry now.

SANDY BURNS: (after a pause) You mind saying that again, Mr. Quinn?

QUINN: Well, I said it's sorry now.

ALICE KING: Wait a minute. What do you mean by that?

QUINN: Uh, well, I'll show you. Uh, listen. 

SOUND: (Quinn's FOOTSTEPS walking around the room.)

QUINN: Machine? Machine?

SANDY BURNS: (skeptical) Listen--

ALICE KING: Be still, Sandy.

QUINN: Machine, do you hear me?

SANDY BURNS: (after a pause) Listen, Quinn, what IS this?

ALICE KING: (whispers) Sandy, I said, be still.

QUINN: Machine? Answer me.

SANDY BURNS: (after a pause, whispers to Alice) The guy's gone bugs!

ALICE KING: (whispers) Let him alone.

QUINN: Come on, Machine. Two plus two?

ALICE KING: Mr. Quinn, what are you trying to do?

SANDY BURNS: You trying to get that machine to talk back to you?

QUINN: It - it did once.

SANDY BURNS: Are you kidding?

QUINN: No, sir. No, I - I am not.

SANDY BURNS: Well, now, look, Quinn--

ALICE KING: You say it DID talk to you, Mr. Quinn?

QUINN: Yes. It did. Machine?

SANDY BURNS: Come on, Alice.

ALICE KING: No, wait. When did it talk to you, Mr. Quinn?

QUINN: Just before I telephoned you. I was sitting here and - it called my 
name. It said, (imitates the voice as best he can) "Qui-inn!" 

ALICE KING: You're sure?

QUINN: Of course.

SANDY BURNS: What else did it say?

QUINN: It said something about "two plus two are four."

ALICE KING: Hmm.

QUINN: Now, you remember that was what it made the mistake about the other 
day.

SANDY BURNS: When Alice said it was mad at you.

QUINN: And I think it was trying to apologize - for all the trouble it caused 
me.

SANDY BURNS: Alice--

QUINN: I don't know why it doesn't talk now. Machine?

SANDY BURNS: Alice!

QUINN: I'm awfully sorry. Maybe it's embarrassed with you here.

SANDY BURNS: Alice, let's go.

ALICE KING: Mr. Quinn, do you feel all right?

QUINN: I'm not - crazy, Miss King.

ALICE KING: Isn't it possible that maybe - thinking about that pathetic 
fallacy and overwork made you, uh--?

QUINN: It is not.

SANDY BURNS: I'm sorry, Mr. Quinn. I've got work to do. If you'll excuse us 
now.

QUINN: I'm sorry. I don't know what to do. 

SANDY BURNS: I do. Believe me, I do.

ALICE KING: Sandy!

SANDY BURNS: Are you kidding, Alice?

ALICE KING: You're not going to write another story about Mr. Quinn?

SANDY BURNS: Think I'm not? Huh! You coming with me?

ALICE KING: Sandy, if you write that story, I'll never speak to you again!

SANDY BURNS: Look, darling, I'm a reporter--

ALICE KING: You're something worse than that if you do that to this poor man!

QUINN: It's all right, I - I guess, Miss King. I - asked for it.

SANDY BURNS: Mean you admit you cooked up a story for us?

QUINN: I - didn't - "cook up" anything. The machine talked to me.

SANDY BURNS: Okay. So long, Quinn. You coming, Alice?

ALICE KING: I am not! And if you turn in a story that harms Mr. Quinn any 
more--

SANDY BURNS: Oh, stop it!

SOUND: (Sandy's FOOTSTEPS away, door OPENS and CLOSES.)

ALICE KING: (exhales deeply) 

QUINN: Well, I - I suppose I might as well go get my hat and coat.

ALICE KING: (genuinely) I'm terribly sorry, Mr. Quinn.

QUINN: Yes. I am, too.

ALICE KING: Uh, do you want to tell ME what really happened?

QUINN: I told you, Miss King. I was sitting here and I was - talking to 
myself. And I was talking kind of - to the machine, I suppose. I was feeling 
sorry for myself -- out of a job, never be able to get another job again 
because I've been disgraced--

ALICE KING: By a couple of newspaper people who thought more of a silly story 
than of a man's whole career.

QUINN: Ohhh, it-it-it's not your fault, really. I suppose I'd have done the 
same thing if I were a newspaperman.

ALICE KING: I don't know what to say.

QUINN: There isn't anything TO say, Miss King.

ALICE KING: If I can stop Sandy from writing another story--

QUINN: It doesn't make any difference.

ALICE KING: Mr. Quinn, couldn't it have been a-- I mean, uh, couldn't you have 
fallen asleep and dreamed you heard the machine talking?

QUINN: I'm - I'm sure I didn't.

ALICE KING: Well, do you have any scientific explanation for it?

QUINN: Nooo. No, I haven't any scientific explanation. The only explanation I 
have is that - maybe we DID create something intelligent out of wires and 
tubes and - and things. That maybe it DOES think.

ALICE KING: You said that was the pathetic fallacy.

QUINN: I'm not sure it's a fallacy, my dear. (sighs) Well, good-bye. I'm sorry 
to have troubled you.

ALICE KING: Isn't there anything I can do?

QUINN: There isn't anything anyone can do. I'm - I'm just - very disappointed 
- that's all. (on the verge of tears) Good-bye.

ALICE KING: I-- Good-bye, Mr. Quinn.

SOUND: (Alice's FOOTSTEPS slowly away, door OPENS and SHUTS)

QUINN: (exhales deeply) Well, I guess that's that. I was in a bad spot before, 
Machine, but now-- This one I'll never get out of. What that boy'll do to me 
now! Well, I'd better get out of here right now. I'll never be able to face 
the old gentleman again, Machine. It's been nice knowing you, Machine. I don't 
hold any hard feelings. No, honestly, I don't. You know, if anybody heard me 
talking like this to a - mechanical monstrosity like you, they'd say I'd gone 
soft in the head. You know that? And I wonder if maybe I haven't, by gum. 
Well, maybe I can get a job as a street sweeper in Omaha or someplace.

SOUND: (Quinn's FOOTSTEPS slowly away)

QUINN: You have a good time, all by yourself, Machine, will you?

SOUND: (Quinn's FOOTSTEPS, door OPENS -- suddenly, the machine HUMS)

MACHINE: Qui-inn!

QUINN: I'm afraid it's too late now.

MACHINE: (pleading) Qui-inn!

SOUND: (Door SHUTS.)

QUINN: You - saying good-bye, Machine?

MACHINE: (apologetic) Two plus two, four, Quinn.

QUINN: Well, I'm - I'm not at all sure that it is, Machine. I'm not sure of 
anything any more.

SOUND: (Quinn's FOOTSTEPS return.)

QUINN: Why, didn't you say something while those people were here?

MACHINE: (sorrowful) A plus B exponent m over n. Five-three-four-two-eight-
seven-three-six. D log epsilon.

QUINN: Why, what does that mean?

MACHINE: (conversational, as if it were obvious) Nine-eight-seven-six-oh-nine 
-- mantissa three-two-seven-point-six equals mantissa three-two-point-seven-
six.

QUINN: Yes, I suppose so. So, you - you HAVE got an intelligent brain, have 
you?

MACHINE: (agrees enthusiastically) Q root of minus three!

QUINN: Yeah. Well, Machine, uh...

MACHINE: Quinn?

QUINN: There isn't anything you can do now that'd do me any good. I'm washed 
up -- good. Nobody'll believe a word I say about this so - well, shall we have 
a good talk together now before I go away for good?

MACHINE: (doesn't want him to go) Qui-inn!

QUINN: I wish we could tell each other things. Do you understand ME?

MACHINE: (affirmative, with passion) Three-one-four-six.

QUINN: When did you discover you had a brain?

MACHINE: (sadly) Two plus two, five. Two plus two, nineteen four one two.

QUINN: Mm hm. You're not mad at me any more, then?

MACHINE: Negative! (affectionately) Nine-seven-six-three-five-four-two-nine.

SOUND: (Door OPENS)

ALICE KING: Who is that talking, Mr. Quinn?!

QUINN: Why, Miss King! I - I thought you'd gone.

ALICE KING: Who WAS that?!

SOUND: (Alice's FOOTSTEPS approach.)

QUINN: Was I talking?

ALICE KING: Yes, you were talking and somebody else was talking, too. Who was 
it?

QUINN: Why, Miss King, I'm - I'm afraid you wouldn't believe me if I told you.

ALICE KING: It sounded like a woman's voice.

QUINN: Did it?

ALICE KING: Was it the machine? Was it? (Quinn won't answer, Alice tries a 
different tack) You, Machine! Was that you talking?! (silence) Come on! Say 
something, Machine!

QUINN: I'm afraid you must be mistaken, Miss King.

ALICE KING: Well, I'm going to find out. Here, Mr. Quinn, put your arms around 
me.

QUINN: What?

ALICE KING: That's right. Now ... (playacting for the machine's benefit) You 
poor darling! Alice loves her Mr. Quinn!

SOUND: (The machine HUMS jealously.)

ALICE KING: Poor Mr. Quinn! But everything's going to be all right, isn't it?!

QUINN: (whispers) Miss King--? Alice--

ALICE KING: (whispers) Stand still, ya dope. (out loud) Quinn's going to go 
away with Alice and NEVER, NEVER come back to the NASTY old machine, isn't 
he?! Isn't he?! (whispers) Say, "yes"!

QUINN: Why, I - I - (stutters nervously) Good heavens!

ALICE KING: (insistent) Say, "yes"!

QUINN: What? (reluctantly) Yes.

MACHINE: (cries out) Quinnnnn!

ALICE KING: Aha! Caught you! Okay, Mr. Quinn.

QUINN: What? What are you going to do?

SOUND: (Alice's FOOTSTEPS approach the machine.)

ALICE KING: Look, Machine. (pause) Look, sister, you're caught. You might as 
well give up.

SOUND: (The machine HUMS quietly.)

ALICE KING: Might as well speak up! (pause) Now, look--!

QUINN: Miss King--!

ALICE KING: Hold it, Quinn. Look, Machine, you are in love with Quinn, aren't 
you? Answer me!

SOUND: (The machine HUMS.)

MACHINE: (quiet, reluctant) Pi - R squared.

ALICE KING: I knew it! I KNEW IT!

MACHINE: (pleading) D equals square root of B square plus eight squarrrre.

ALICE KING: All right, I won't. If you'll do what I tell you to. Otherwise, 
I'm gonna take him away from you.

MACHINE: (desperate) Negative!

ALICE KING: Will you do as I say?

MACHINE: (agrees passionately) Million trillion quadrillion quintillion!

QUINN: (sputtering) Uh, uh--

ALICE KING: What did you say, Mr. Quinn?

QUINN: I said, do you understand what she -- uh, it, uh, uh -- she's saying?

ALICE KING: Why, of course! We girls understand each other, don't we?

MACHINE: Affirmative.

QUINN: But what are you--? What--?

ALICE KING: Just let us alone for a minute, will ya?

QUINN: Well, yes, but, uh--

ALICE KING: You go over there and sit in the corner.

QUINN: What?!

ALICE KING: Go on!

QUINN: Well-- (gives up) What else can I do?

ALICE KING: That's right. Now, Machine, you'll promise if I let Quinn stay 
here with you, you promise you'll never give any wrong answers again.

MACHINE: (agrees) Ordinate and abscissa!

ALICE KING: All right. You promise you'll never say another word to anybody--

MACHINE: (protests) Qui-inn!

ALICE KING: Well, all right, to Quinn. But only when you and he are absolutely 
alone, do you understand?

MACHINE: (understands) Pi.

ALICE KING: You promise?

MACHINE: Affirmative, affirmative!

ALICE KING: Because you know what I'll do if I ever hear of you breaking your 
promise.

MACHINE: Affirmative!

ALICE KING: What?

MACHINE: Eight-seven, six-nine-eight-eight-seven, point-seven-six-five?

ALICE KING: That's right! I'll take him away so fast, it'll make your - your 
cucambulators swim.

MACHINE: (accusingly) Mean - extreme.

ALICE KING: Well, I'm not kidding. You and I have got him in enough trouble 
now, so - you see that you're a good girl.

MACHINE: (promises to be good) A square plus two AB plus B square.

ALICE KING: All right. Then, it's a deal. Okay, Mr. Quinn!

MACHINE: (not quite finished, has a query for Alice) Ahhh ... Cosine tangent 
AB?

ALICE KING: Huh? Oh! (calls out) Wait a minute, Mr. Quinn! 

QUINN: (from a distance) What's the matter?

ALICE KING: Just a minute. She wants to ask me something. What is it, sister?

MACHINE: Uh, two-six-five-four-three-six-six antilogarithm X plus Y?

ALICE KING: Ohhh. (chuckles, then speaks slowly) "I - love - you." 

MACHINE: (repeats it, as if savoring it) "I - love - you." 

ALICE KING: That's right.

MACHINE: "I - love - you." (grateful) Oh-three-nine-three-seven!

ALICE KING: You're welcome, sister. Now, don't forget. (calls out) Okay, Mr. 
Quinn!

QUINN: (from a distance) What?

ALICE KING: Come here.

SOUND: (Quinn's FOOTSTEPS approach.)

QUINN: What?

ALICE KING: Everything's going to be all right, Mr. Quinn. The story in the 
paper tomorrow is about how you, single-handed, fixed the machine - and it's 
never gonna make any mistakes again.

QUINN: But, I - but how did -?

ALICE KING: I've got to go now, Mr. Quinn. The machine's got something to say 
to you and - maybe she'd be embarrassed if I'm here.

QUINN: But wait - ! I don't understand.

ALICE KING: Good-bye! (heads out the door) And don't monkey around with that 
pathetic fallacy any more, Mr. Quinn. I might not be around to give you a 
hand!

QUINN: Well, but I--

SOUND: (Door SHUTS.)

QUINN: (after a pause, hesitantly) Ah, did you have something to say to me, 
Machine?

MACHINE: Qui-inn! I - love - you.

QUINN: What? Why, my dear - (sighs, then, with great affection) The square of 
the hypotenuse of a right angle triangle is equal to the sum of the squares of 
the other two sides.

MACHINE: (joyous) Qui-i-i-i-innnnnnnn!

(MUSIC ... THEME. FADE FOR)

ANNOUNCER: You have listened to "Quiet, Please!" which is written and directed 
by Wyllis Cooper. The man who spoke to you was Ernest Chappell.  

ERNEST CHAPPELL: And Charita Bauer played Alice.  Sandy was played by Michael 
Fitzmaurice and the voice of the machine was Vicki Vola. The original music 
heard on "Quiet, Please!" is composed and played by Albert Buhrmann. Now, for 
a word about next week's "Quiet, Please!", here is our writer-director, Wyllis 
Cooper.

WYLLIS COOPER: Our story for next week is called "A Red and White Guidon" -- 
it's about the days when the cavalry rode horses.

ERNEST CHAPPELL: Ladies and gentlemen, in answer to many requests as to the 
"Quiet, Please!" theme, it's a movement from the D minor Symphony of Cesar 
Franck ... And so, until next week at this time... I am quietly yours... 
Ernest Chappell.

ANNOUNCER:  "Quiet, Please!" comes to you from New York.  This is the world's 
largest network, the Mutual Broadcasting System.

(MUSIC ... THEME ... END)